philosophy maybe

I’ve been drawing ever since I was a toddler, and started taking art as a serious hobby when I was 7. My passion was driven for all of my interests and my self exploration. As long as I can remember, my love for certain things were all encompassing. Which is why my getting serious about art was all so I could make Steven universe fanart. Ever since, I haven’t really changed … I encourage art as a symbol of self exploration, self expression, and self love. art helps me cope with myself in many ways, as I grew up in a not so stable childhood, I could still focus on what makes me happy. As I struggle now, I still strive to focus on my art and my identity.

I might be being philosophical, but if you actually look at all of my art it doesn’t look so deep LOL. There is much I have yet to express with my art, and I’ve been struggling with it for a very long time before the last year. I switched through all different styles, mediums, but as I couldn’t find myself, I couldn’t find what fit my art. I struggled with the questions, “Who am I really? How do I encompass myself into what I create?” I came to many conclusions that I really shouldn’t be creating at all many times. Who am I if I really don’t have my own identity? How could I create if I struggled so badly with this?

Since 2020 I struggled so badly with this, everything I made felt incorrect no matter what I tried to do, whatever I did looked very stiff and it felt like I could not improve upon it. I used to make big art pieces, whatever I wanted, but now suddenly whenever I tried to, it did not fulfill me in any way. I cried and cried over my own art for years, I swore to myself to draw everyday, and maybe I’d get better. I drew constantly but still, nothing I made looked like I made it with love, nothing I made looked like me. I’d join art challenges with people and friend enclosed art fights, hoping they could help me in any way, but instead I just had breakdowns over how insecure I was about it (facepalm).

But I never had the heart to give up I tried and worked on my whole life, something I knew that was still important to me. So I continued to struggle this way, experimenting with whatever I could get my hands on. I had sudden art shifts, changing my art into something less semi realistic (Which was way better God that shit was ugly) for a good amount of time, until I started feeling less than for not drawing as realistic anymore, so I switched it up just a little bit every few months, or weeks, or whatever, it depends on the time. I tried so hard to explore my fundamentals. I started to feel confident in myself for the first time in so long, I started to feel better with trying new things! But then yeah I just went back to where I started at some point, I made my art extra realistic (not Realistic but you know what I mean) which made me very unhappy and I barely drew for months. This happened when I went back to real life school in 2022 and I just didn’t want really cartoony art because then I wouldn’t be special but then I ended up only drawing on schoolwork.. Ough. I Did learn eventually that I should just do whatever I feel like, so after that I spent a whole year exploring what I liked for Me. I explored what I was most comfortable with. It took me so long to figure out who I was, and what I value of myself, and I finally started feeling happy with my art, happier in general.