Mentions of abuse and coping mechanisms

I’ve always felt different in a visceral way. In a way that confuses me and rips me In half in a spiral. Growing up, I noticed it was very hard to express myself. I can only express myself through my interests and I can only express myself in existing characters. and looking at myself, I never felt like me. I find myself in the grotesque, the misunderstood, the avoided, the unthinkable,
The forgotten and the discarded.
I don’t quite connect to my human form and I don’t quite connect with other people. I’ve not been good at most things other people are. Communicating, responding, I’ve never been good at even looking like everyone else. But I don’t think I want to.

I feel like my body is not what I am meant to have. I feel like it is supposed to be different. Sometimes I can feel what it’s supposed to be. It changes a lot and I feel all sorts of things. I feel that I am supposed to have different teeth, that I am supposed to have fur, that I am supposed to have paws,, etc. I know this sounds strange. I feel as if there is a different place I am supposed to be and a whole different life I’m supposed to have. Sometimes it makes me so sad, that I’ve been displaced in such a body. I feel such displacement in my life and who I am. Maybe I have such a fragile body, it is all just what happened to me that warps my memory and sense of self, each memory and each small thing seems to arise a new part of me I never saw before.

My body has always been used by other people in unconventional ways. Maybe it is a matter of me being unsafe in my body, unable to escape it, therefore I feel the pain writhe in my body constantly. Maybe the inhuman treatment of my body makes me feel so far away from humanity. Sometimes, I would be treated like some sort of animal. Sometimes I’d be thrown on the floor, or I’d spill something and my head would be held down to the point my neck would be hurting for days. I would see these happen with animals as well. Now I associate my fear with small, helpless, fearful animals.

I always have felt more safe acting as if I am younger or have the mind of an animal. I feel much more safer being seen as inhuman. Beyond my inhumanity, I’ve been stuck in the past for a very long time. I feel very young and immature, and my body feels safer regressing back at times. This happens when I feel very scared. It is rarely ever voluntary.

I don’t look anything like I used to when I was younger, and there are many reasons why. I don’t want to look at my old self anymore. My face makes me unsettled. Throughout my life, I have been involved in “risky” behavior, perhaps to make my body feel more fulfilled, but it never really would work. I won’t talk about everything, but the main parts of it are my self harm and eating disorders. beyond the many reasons that these coping mechanisms existed for me, one of the big ones was to express myself. To show outside what I saw inside. And I felt better that way. Maybe it made me feel more creature-like.. or just controlled. I don’t know.