I am getting to be very tired of being around people. I was born with hearing loss, and I’ve worn hearing aids from a young age, and attended speech therapy. I grew up a very eccentric child, undiagnosed autistic and feeling no need to mask as I grew older. Until middle school, when I stopped being so outgoing because it was starting to cause me a lot of stress instead of happiness. I went through those years unbothered, and I only talked to friends. Then the pandemic happened, and I stayed in homeschool for several years.
In tenth grade, I came back to physical school, and I was so much more insecure than I imagined I would be. I did not fit in with these people at all. In elementary school, it did not feel this way because we were all weird and did not often judge each other, although I was bullied a few times, it did not affect how I thought of myself. since I came back to school, all I can think about are the eyes that watch me constantly. I know that I look out of place and I tried to fix it.
But it wasn’t just my appearance, it was my behavior.
I am sick of being seen as a freak especially from my hearing loss. I am unsure who or not knows I am hard of hearing, but it’s getting very hard to focus on trying to hear others. There have been many times where people try to speak to me, and I cannot understand them and all I can do is say “what? I’m sorry” over and over again until they give up. Sometimes I pretend I understand them and respond inappropriately. Apparently there have been a lot of times where people try to speak to me but I don’t notice. Ex. One day in the hall I hear “they’re not gonna talk to you they don’t speak” and I was completely unaware anyone was speaking to me at all. beyond my hearing loss, I also have a hard time processing auditory information, so even if there were people repeatedly screaming my name (which has happened before) I wouldn’t notice unless I was looking at them. I really wish i did not inconvenience people so much. It feels like my life is one huge inconvenience for everyone and everything I do makes it worse. And I couldn't even get started on how confused I am all the time actually. I never understand anything people say and so when I need to do something I'm either very unaware or very confused and I look really stupid. And the amount of extremely awkward conversations I have all the time.
I recently discovered the term “deaf anxiety” which means anxiety as a result of being hard of hearing. one of the reasons I no longer talk to people as much as I used to is because of this. This anxiety comes from the uncertainty. From everything. When I speak to people, I can never be sure if I actually heard what they said right because I just end up scrambling everything I heard around in my head. i just no longer have the energy to talk and focus on how I speak and what I’m hearing so closely because it always ends up in a way where I regret speaking at all. I wish i could just stand next to people and they understand that I like them but I don't want to talk.
So because of these things, people are very inconsiderate towards me. I really wish I could have some sort of visual aid to tell people I cannot hear and there is a reason I would rather not talk. Instead, they assume I just ignore people because I’m rude and edgy and I don’t talk because there’s something wrong with me and they assume I can’t notice that they’re staring at me. They assume I don’t have like.. consciousness. I hate it so much.
Beyond this, I’m also autistic and I have a bad time with masking so I don’t. Which also shouldn’t be much of a problem as long people don’t look at me or try to make me engage in a conversation.. which they DO!! so instead of me just not talking I also just behave weird and I can’t do anything about it. I stimulate myself by picking the skin off my fingers and when I’m overwhelmed (which is VERY often. Why are teenagers so fucking loud and annoying) I can’t help but just start dissociating off in space and so many people notice me staring at the wall really weird and I Hate it. Basically I just look like a weirdo and none of my circumstances help me very much. And it’s very easy for me to get upset by certain sounds (either from ptsd or autism) so at least a few times everyday I am grasping onto my own head and trying not to cry.
All of my friends have noticed me drifting away from them as time has went on and there’s nothing I can do about it. It is incredibly hard for me to keep up with relationships. relationships require for me to come up and talk to them often. But a lot of my friends are socially awkward, and I am too, so I get anxious thinking about texting them or speaking to them and my other stuff and Yeah. I am also really bad at talking and maintaining conversations. I am not entirely sure why. I am just always unsure what to say. It’s extremely anxiety inducing. It’s so overwhelming not to be able to talk to my friends for so many reasons.and they just think I don’t like them. But it’s not like that. I wish I could maintain relationships without having to talk.
The reason that I’m writing about this is I hope someone reads it and Understands. Understands themselves. Understands people like me. I don’t want people like me to be treated like an alien just because we can’t communicate properly or whatever. For people like me, it is so stressful just to exist. I know there are many types of disabilities and there’s no doubt in my mind every person that has these types of things holding them back from everything. I wish it were easier for people to treat us as normal people but instead we have to be stressed out of our mind going through a simple day.